Beneath it All
by 5201314
Summary: 0 akihika. Hikaru finds his new revalation disturbing to the point that he's having difficulty playing Go properly. (discontinued)


Under the Go Ban

I wrote this with a TOTALLY DIFFERENT plot in mind. Actually, this was supposed to be a pwp, believe it or not ^^. But somehow, I have really hard time writing lemons, etc because I feel like I'm broadcasting my private life or something. (Yes, this would have been yaoi, and yes, I'm female, so I'm not exactly sure what there is to be embarrassed about. But still. ^^` I can't explain it, really.) So in fact, where Hikaru abruptly leaves, it was supposed to be like he'd hard on from playing with Touya, but I changed it for this fic. ^^` Anyway, I should quit rambling. =)  
  
Oh, final note, I wish HnG belonged to me, but sadly it doesn't. If it did, you'd be seeing a lot of Aki/Hika porn in the manga by now. :0:

***

Chapter one; Running

Hikaru exited the convenience store with the loaf of bread his mother had sent him to buy. He glanced at his watch. 2 pm, it read. If he hurried, he could get home in time for that show that started in 15 minutes. He turned left at the corner, when suddenly, he felt a chill run up his spine. _No_, he thought apprehensively to himself. _Not NOW._

He whipped round, and found that his suspicions were confirmed. There was Touya Akira, leaving the book shop adjacent to the convenience store. Hikaru froze, loaf of bread in arm.

Oh no. Oh, NO. Please don't see me. PLEASE don't see me.

  
Hikaru swore under his breath as Akira suddenly caught sight of him, and swore again when he began making his way in Hikaru's direction. And with his feet glued to the floor from nervousness, he couldn't run away. Not that running away could solve problems, he knew, but it was useful when you wanted to delay them.

"Shindou," Akira greeted pleasantly, "I haven't seen you for a while. How have you been?"

Hikaru flushed, remembering the last time they had played Go. What an embarrassment he'd made out of himself. "I-I'm fine," he replied, though he was feeling none too comfortable. "I'm just running an errand for my mother."

Touya could somehow feel that there was a growing tension, due to Shindou's unusually strange attitude. "I see. Well, if you have time to spare, would you like to play a game of Go?" he offered. "It would certainly be nice to play you again."

"No," Hikaru immediately declined. But noticing the surprise in Akira's expression, he quickly added, "I mean, I don't really feel like playing. Which is why I haven't been frequenting your Go salon recently. I guess this is just a hiatus."

Akira took a moment to ponder this silently, before asking, "Why don't you feel like playing? You're not having any trouble are you?"

Hikaru somehow felt that Akira was probably thinking of the time when Sai had left. Hikaru had claimed that he'd never play again, never ever. Because it had just hurt too damn much to play or even think about Go. But that wasn't his reason today, and Hikaru was struggling to think of a cover up. "...I-it's my damn losing streak," Hikaru said lamely. "I can never win you, and I just don't feel like playing."

"Isn't that all the more reason to play?" Akira asked gently with a subdued smile. "I think some practice will certainly help you. Well, it would help the both of us," he added.

"But Touya, I..." Hikaru broke off as he realized that this lie he had fabricated was useless. After all, every Go player knew that it was in playing, that one improved. He sighed. Contrary to his earlier thought of running away, he decided to give it a shot. "I suppose so," he complied reluctantly.

"That's great," Akira said gratefully. "Shall we head for the Go salon?"

"No," Hikaru said firmly, struggling not to look at Akira. "Let's go to my house instead. It's a good deal nearer, anyhow."

As they walked together, Akira couldn't help but remember the last time they had played Go. It must have been a couple of weeks ago, when Hikaru had suddenly run out of the salon, muttering some excuse that he'd forgotten to meet someone. He had jumped up abruptly in the middle of a game, and had everyone staring when his chair toppled over. But out of politeness, Akira decided not to bring it up. That time must have been the reason Hikaru was so adamant to play at his house instead.

As they neared Hikaru's home, they both noticed his mother closing the door behind her.

"Mom!" Hikaru called.

She glanced behind her, and smiled, before dipping her head in Touya's direction. "Hello, Touya-kun. Are you here to play Go with Hikaru?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said, bowing politely. "Thank you very much for your hospitality."

"Oh dear," she replied, "I should be thanking _you_ for watching over Hikaru all the time! I'm heading out to meet a friend. If you would like anything, please don't hesitate to ask Hikaru for it!"

"Okay, _mom_," Hikaru sighed with emphasis on the second word, "see you _later_."

She waved over her shoulder at the both of them, and Hikaru pulled Akira into the house as he waved back. Hikaru tossed the loaf of bread on the table, and opened the refrigerator. "Would you like something to drink?" he called to Akira.

"No, I'm alright, thank you."

"Okay, then go upstairs to my room. It's the second on the left, and the Go ban should be next to my desk."

As Akira made his way up the staircase, Hikaru took another deep drink of water. He'd suddenly regret asking Touya to come instead of just simply playing at the salon. Especially since now that they were alone. _It's gonna be alright,_ he told himself, not feeling half as confident as his inner-voice sounded. _All I have to do is think about Go. Think about my strategy. Nothing else._

He recited this to himself all the way up the stairs and into his room, where Akira was kneeling in front of the Goban.

"Would you like to be black or white, Shindou?" Akira asked, looking up.

"Ehh…" Hikaru had to force the lump down his throat. The 'feelings' had already started to settle in. "Do you think we could play at a table, Touya? I don't know if I can handle kneeling throughout the whole game today. You know," he added lamely, "I can't play to my full potential when my legs are numb, right?"

"I don't mind at all," Akira complied politely. But he felt that something was not too right with Shindou.

They shifted the Go board downstairs into the dining room, where they set it on the table.

"Alright," Hikaru said finally. "You can be black. Let's not bother with the counting."

Akira nodded, and after pondering a moment, made his first move on the board.

'Yes,' Hikaru thought adamantly to himself after setting down his white stone, 'this is just a normal game. I just have to keep my eyes down on the board.'

But a few moves later, Hikaru found himself staring more at his opponent's slim fingers, rather than the placing of the stones. The fingers, of course, were drawn back to it's owner, and Hikaru found himself looking Akira in the eye.

"Are you alright, Shindou?" Touya asked. _Maybe I shouldn't have insisted on this game earlier. He doesn't seem that well... or rather, comfortable._

  
"Y-yeah. I was just thinking about which area to place my next stone in..." He immediately put the white pebble down to emphasize his point. Immediately, Hikaru's eyes opened wide at what he had done. True, he could have planned a little further into his strategy, but it was too late now that the stone was firmly set. He had completely neglected the left side of the board, where Akira had started another attack.

Touya looked back up at Hikaru reflectively. This was not a mistake that a normal professional would make. And as far as he could predict, this would lead to certain loss if they continued. "Are you sure..." he began, trying not to sound too concerned, "...that you would like to place it there...?"

Hikaru laughed weakly, before shaking his head. "It's too late now..." he said sheepishly.

I can't openly offer to allowing him a re-placing, otherwise it would seem too much like I'm patronizing him, Touya thought, slightly distressed. "Very well," he said reluctantly. _But maybe I can try handicap myself slightly... Perhaps he won't notice._

And Hikaru certainly didn't seem too. Hikaru found he couldn't stop taking his eyes from Akira's graceful hands and gentle facial features. There was a smooth fluidity about his every movement, and his gentle eyes had a certain depth that revealed a degree of kindness that only Hikaru could notice, given the time they spent together. And not to mention his lips; always curved in a kind smile, except when they were pressed into a fine line of concentration, reserved only for the calculating moments of Go. However, there _were_ those times when he had come to find Hikaru, that he had also the same seriousness; it seemed he meant every word he uttered. It was as if Akira didn't feel the need to have to force a façade for him. Even before his own father, Akira seemed to have felt inclined to smile and accept his loss. Perhaps Akira didn't feel the necessity to be polite before Hikaru, just because they were close enough for Hikaru to understand his real feelings beneath his stern expression; that his solemnity was not an indication of how 'cold' he was. Perhaps...

No! Hikaru violently thought to himself. _Not again._ _How can I think these kind of things about ... Touya?! He's my rival, goddamit! Why does this keep happening to me?! I've never had these thoughts about him before!_

Well, not that many times anyway... In every game that he had played with Touya Akira, he knew he had learned more than just another Go strategy. In addition to a new way of attacking, he had perhaps noticed a new aspect of Touya. For instance, although Touya's face was as expressionless as the most professional poker player, his fingers would unknowingly be rubbing the edges of the stone he was holding. Depending on the flow of the game, Hikaru had noticed, it was an indication of either anxiety or excitement. There were all those other games that they had played, in which Hikaru had picked up these little details that other Go players would be too ignorant to notice.

On the other hand, these 'details' that Hikaru had been observing seemed to be more of a burden than of service. Wasn't understanding your opponents' weak points supposed to be of a useful advantage?! _Then WHY the hell,_ Hikaru thought darkly, _am I playing worse than I ever have with Touya?! Why?!_

He knew the answer, of course. It had been revealed to him in the last game that he had played with Akira. It had been the exact moment that Hikaru had placed his stone on the board; after 10 minutes of mind crushing will to concentrate. 10 minutes between placings of stones was not uncommon between professional players, but that move certainly didn't require it. All he need had done was break Akira's territory by linking another on the edge. But at that moment, his mind had been burning and overflowing from that one thing that was tearing him Go and the rest of the world; Touya Akira.

At this sudden, _revolting_ epiphany, Hikaru had leapt out of his seat. Impossible. That he was in ... _love_?! With a _guy_!? With... _Touya_?! It couldn't be true; it was too disgusting to be for real.

Needless to say, Shindou Hikaru had _run away_.

"Oh_, _dammit," Hikaru muttered under his breath, as he noticed something that suddenly interrupted his thoughts. There were _two_ things wrong with the game they were playing right then. One, was the fact he couldn't concentrate because of all the unnecessary thoughts flooding his mind. And two, this game was at a stage where it was difficult to tell who was winning, which would be strange, seeing that Hikaru should have lost by this time; due to his lack of thought and planning in the game.

Hikaru glanced up at Akira, who seemingly was intent on the game before them. Hikaru felt his eyes trail to where Akira's fingers were slowly feeling the smooth edges of the black Go stone. He sighed inwardly.

"I resign," Hikaru said indignantly. "...You win... again," he added in a less harsh tone, though with slight emphasis on the last word.

"But, Shindou," Akira protested, "the winner can't even be determined from where this game currently stands."

"I _know_."

The double meaning in his words left Akira feeling uncomfortable at having his scheme been found out. It was a moment before he spoke. "...I apologize, Shindou" Akira said honestly. "I-I was merely hoping..."

"I don't _need_ your sympathy," Hikaru retorted bitingly, cutting him off. The last thing he needed in his current state, was Touya being nice to him. "I'd be better off it without it." _And how,_ he thought miserably to himself.

"But Shindou," he tried again, "I only wanted to prolong the game."

"As if you'd knew I'd lose, right?" He turned away, annoyance clearly printed on his face.

Unlike their usual loud arguments from the past, this one seemed to be weighted over with tension, and their mutual silence only enforced it further. Finally, Akira stood up and bent over to clear the black stones from the board. When Hikaru made no move to do the same, Akira retrieved the white pieces as well and placed them back into the rectangular box.

Hikaru stared elsewhere as Akira bowed and quietly thanked him for the game. _What am I doing...?_ Hikaru thought unhappily as he watched Akira make his way to the front door out of the corner of his eye. _I'm ruining a relationship with one of my friends...!! And all because I'm so damn... stupid. The least I can do is pretend not to have these 'feelings' for him._

Hikaru stood up and ran to the door that Akira was closing behind him, and swung it back open. Touya glanced behind him in surprise. "Hey, Touya," he said in as friendly a voice that he could muster. "Thanks for today's game. And just thank you. For ... being a friend, I guess. A really good friend. I mean, a _really_ good friend. Thanks. Yeah, I... just wanted to say that."

After a moment of surprised silence, Akira laughed lightly. Whether because he thought it was a joke or whether he was glad that they were friends again, Hikaru wasn't sure. But suddenly, all the tension seemed to melt away with that sound.

"What's so funny?"

"...Nothing, really," Akira smiled. "It's just hard to believe that you would say something like that to me."

"What? Because I never say serious things like that?" Hikaru asked, slightly hurt.

Akira paused a moment, not too sure how to answer. "No, not really," he said finally. "But I thought if we were really 'good' friends, I might know why you've been acting so... different, recently."

"Yeah...well," Hikaru said uneasily. "I'm sorry."

"You won't stop playing Go, right?" Akira asked quickly in order to change the subject. He didn't want Hikaru to fall back into his previous mood. And besides, he was worried that it might lead him back to a spell in which he would abandon Go again.

Hikaru laughed. Why did Touya keep referring to _that_ time? "No, I'm passed that stage," he said honestly. "I don't think I'll ever stop playing ever again."

He smiled in relief. "And you are... alright?" he pressed.

"...Yeah." _As if, especially with you standing so close to me that I can feel your breath upon me._

Although Touya looked back unsurely, he smiled and nodded. "I'm glad," he said warmly. "If you want or need anything, I hope you will ask me for help."

A statement spoken from any person when they notice that a friend is in need. Normally, Hikaru would laugh off such a cliché. But at that moment, those felt like the most comforting words he had heard in a long time. A burden seemed to have lifted, and now he could breathe in ease again. He suddenly felt like he could never regret anything he ever did again.

Even suddenly pulling Akira's face towards his, and placing his lips on his. It was a quick, light kiss; none of those deep, passionate ones, but Hikaru could still feel his pulse accelerating. As for Akira, his eyes were wide in surprise as their lips briefly met and parted. It had been so quick, that he couldn't have pushed Hikaru away even if he had wanted to. Suddenly, they were both sitting in silence. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to slap or punch Hikaru now that his first kiss had been taken from him. _And just what am I supposed to say to Shindou... now?!_

In seemingly an answer to his plead, Hikaru broke the silence first. "That was weird, huh?"

Akira seemed taken aback at his casual tone of voice, but somehow managed to stutter his reply. "W-what?"

"I don't like guys. I mean, I've never liked guys before," Hikaru said, with his eyes to the ground. "But for some reason, I like _you_."

"You can't be serious..." He shook his head in confusion, before suddenly standing up and nearly shouting. "What are you saying?! Is this some kind of a joke?!"

It was Hikaru's turn to stand up and raise his voice now. "What," Hikaru said, "so you think I'd just suddenly tell you that because I thought it'd be funny?! Of course I'm serious!"

"I-I... I don't care," Touya shouted back, stumbling over his words. "That is... immoral! It's not right!"

"Well, it's too late for _that_ now, isn't it?!"

Touya slowly took a few steps back, before turning and breaking into a full run away from Hikaru. Soon, he was no more than a dot in the distance.

Hikaru kicked the front door in anger. _He's disappointed,_ he thought. _He's disappointed in me. I know that anger. It was the same as when I'd played him at the high school tournament instead of Sai. He was genuinely disappointed that I couldn't play up to Sai's standards. Like then, I should've thought twice about his reaction. Who was I kidding? As if this was some kind of fairy tale where he'd miraculously say that he also likes me?! And now..._

I've just ruined our friendship.

***

Somehow I feel this is a very OOC fic... (and sappy too.) :0; ahhhhhh, the ending sucks. And somehow I have no idea what to write for the next chapter. =0=` If you have any ideas, please help!! ^0^ thanks!! Please R&R!

Random note, I think I will title chapter two; Escape... ^^


End file.
